And life continues...

Shit happens. Shit is all around us. Every corner we turn, shit has gone down. Today, a lot of shit took place, a lot of emotional shit that hurdled itself full-throttle into me and gorged my insides, if that can even be used as an appropriate term…

I think it all can be summed up with the wonderful lyrics of Bon Iver, who I have recently fallen madly in love with…

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order’s tall

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning I’ll be with you
But it will be a different kind
And I’ll be holding all the tickets
And you’ll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassieres
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I’m breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

what a song….I hope I can have better dreams tonight of a time beyond physical attachments. AHH is all I have to say. What is happening?????

Sometimes I grossly overreact…it’s just who I am, I can’t seem to help it. As a fully functional woman, I come equipped with fully functional, albeit spontaneously annoying emotions that seem to take control of me at times. With that said, I apologize to whoever it may concern. I associate certain moods with certain thoughts, and this in its self is stupid and immature…even for me. o_O

So life goes on…and memories are relived and forgotten. There’s no point trying to live in and manipulate the past when the only thing we can truly take charge of is the future. From this moment on I vow to learn from my mistakes and forget regrets. Being emotionally stable and mentally strong rely on so much more than selfish thoughts of past events, and so I am totally moving on.

With the utmost sincerity in my heart, I say FUCK you past. You didn’t deserve me anyways.

Love is complicated. And I don’t just mean love in the essence of romanticism. Love defines life. From my own experiences, the days in which I am lucky enough to hear those 3 cliche, dramatic words, no matter the circumstances, sprinkle just that much more light on my soul. The feeling of being cared about, needed even, affects us in strange uncanny ways. Why is it that hearing a simple “I love you” can bring so much happiness when truly the definition of love is impossible to clarify? I don’t know. But I do know that without love life would suck. Hands down.

The love that friends share, you know, the ” I love you but I’m not IN love with you” type speaks for itself. But this love, in my thoughts, cannot cut as deep as the one love: IN love love, and when this love is experienced, you can never go back; you can never forget what happens when your heart is broken, when your dreams are erased by the crushing effects of the “stupidity” of falling for another human being. But you can also never forget the wonderful rushing, the hot face and deep chills, the trembling touches and nervous glances, and the wonderful pain of sharing your soul with another. Over time, of course, this type of romantic love twists into a deeper soul connection. You lose the shivers and the nervousness, but what replaces it is more breathtaking than seeing the Grand canyon for the first time. And this love, the real stuff, is what I live for.

I am a firm believer in the definition of true love as being “the souls recognition of its counterpart” Just recently I shared this undeniably wonderful recognition with the love of my life. When this level of intimacy is reached, nothing seems to hinder the flourishing joy of enlightenment, nothing can take away the feeling of thundering passion for who you want to spend the rest of your days with, and you feel grounded to a place of sheer freedom. But love changes. Love hurts. I once thought that love killed my soul, if that was even possible.

But you can’t help the way you feel, thus my opening statement, love is complicated.

Love is a sonofabitch. Think about it, love sucks. But without love there would be no life. When you fall in love for the first time, the world is yours. Nothing can erase the bubbles of excitement that surface in your insides. Honestly, nothing can make you more foolish. There was a time in my life when I was literally blinded by love. I couldn’t help it, love choked me into submission.

The younger, less mature version of me was head over heals. I couldn’t help that he was totally wrong for me, but I couldn’t help that each day that passed left me bursting with this powerful emotion. I was so stupefied by love that I didn’t tell him how I felt. I tried, dear God I tried, but I was too afraid of what the outcome would be. I couldn’t stand the unbelievable pain that resulted from keeping my mouth shut, but I couldn’t stand the idea of a world without him in it.

Now, 5 years later, I can’t help but feel the same way.

In essence I’ve moved on. Being in a relationship with someone who makes me feel alive has helped me move on. But I can never truly move on. One’s first love can never be silenced. He never will be, and honestly I am still head over heals for him to this day, it is just the younger me reaching to the surface. And I can’t help that I never kissed him, but still want to live through the experience. I can’t. help. that I still think about him.

So why the fuck is this the case? I am already with the guy I want to marry. Why do you still fucking haunt me? Why do I always say I’ll always be here? Because I will be, because I have to be. You took away pieces of my soul that have never come back, and no matter what I do to try and forget, you will always be right here. and don’t get me wrong, I love that. But it’s never enough.

To this guy: you’re everything I ever wanted, and yet everything I hate. I need you now more than ever, but will never have you. I need you to know that YOU still take my breath away, but will never let me breathe in again. You are everything, and it can’t be helped. I don’t want it to be this way, but this is the truth. This is it. This is everything I’ve been terrified to say. And if you read this, fine. You know I love you, I know you know. And know that it is not by choice. It is by some cruel act of the universe on Human emotions.

I am utterly yours. and yet utterly his, more than ever. You KILL me daily. He makes me feel alive. SO you see I am not running to you, I am simply clarifying myself. I’m just asking for something. What I don’t even know. But please just let me know what it is.

To you, I love you,

Sincerely,

dumb girl with a dumb heart.